My Ramblin's

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend hold your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end.

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ya know, its hard tobelieve that u can get so close to someone on the internet but it is possible...just like they were living next door  to you. You share dreams, talk about things that have happened to you in life with each other, get opinions, advice just like u would with a "real life" friend. When they dont come around for awhile online then u feel a sense of loss, well i did anyway. Colin finally talked to me today after 3 days and apologized that he's been ignoring me. Said there are just some things he needs to work out on his own but he knows i'll always be there for him whenever he needs to talk or just pal around with online. I really did feel as if i had lost a part of me for those days he wasnt talking, we have gotten that close as friends and it hurt to think i had done something to him even when i knew i hadnt. We are best friends and i dont EVER want to lose that, thank God he was even good enough and concerned enough to give me his number  and take mine so that I dont feel so out of touch with him anymore and i can check on him if need be. I wish him the best in working things out in his mind and his heart and he knows i'm always there if he needs me. Karen, once again, thru all that you yourself are going thru with the chemo and being sick, not feeling good, etc....you were there for me and i thank you from the bottom of my heart. I always want to be there for you also gf and i always will be ;-)  hugssssssssssss

I dont know where to start...all i know is my best friend hasnt spoken to me for 3 days and i dont know why. Colin was so happy that Gary ( the guy he accidentally hit) was going to be ok, we talked  for a couple hrs after he found out then we decided both of us needed sleep and we would buzz each other when we woke up. Thats the last i've heard from him. He's ignoring me on yahoo and wont talk to me, and its killing me..............i dont understand why.

weeeeeee...thank you to all that prayed for that guy in the hospital!! He's going to be ok! And so is my buddy, Colin. He felt just so very bad for what happened and i'm glad he doesnt have to crucify himself anymore ;-).

oh yea..lets finish the day with tjhis one...i  was sposed to get my paycheck in the mail Thursday..it didnt come, and it didnt come yesterday...they told me in payroll..dont worry it will be there tomorrow(meaning saturday). Guess what?!?!?!?!  IT DIDNT COME!!! Hmmm am i mad yet!! Beyond mad, i work for 7 lousy bux an hr and work my tail off for it and what do i get? Can't eat or smoke my cigs all weekend because they messed up and forgot to send it out on the right day and i cant hit the store...WHATS UP!!!!!!!!!!

wow things just cant get much worse right now...well maybe they can but i dont want them too. A man very close to me as a friend and who has been there for me thru everything for the last few months had something terrible happen to him the other night and it brought back everything that i have been thru myself. He accidentally hit a motorcyclist and the guy is in the hospital with a ruptured spleen and a crushed spine, pelvis, etc and in ICU. The man has a wife and small children also and they r at hospital with him waiting to hear some news. Colin is by their side much as he can be so they know that hes not deserting them after what happened. Alot of people would have left or not even cared or worried only about themselves, not Colin, he's not that type of man...all he cares about is what he can do for them and wishing it had been him instead of the guy thats laying there. He's worrying about the lives that may be ruined for them, not for himself. The guilt is eating him up right now and i cant be there to help him thru it, to just be able to give him a hug and let him know that people do care about whats happening.

Colin, ur such a good and sweet man and i know this is tearing u up inside. If i could take it all away for you, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would go thru everything all over again just so that you didnt have to feel this pain ur feeling now. It was an accident and no one was meant to get hurt. You didnt intentionally run over him for no reason. As bad as it all is babe, you're going to have to deal with it and i know that u will in ur own way. But you cant let it eat u up like it is now. Lets see what happens and what the docs say about him and then go from there. You're doing the best you can right now and doing what you should by helping his wife and kids while he cant. It takes one hell of a man to do something like that and you really need to believe that you're doing the right thing by them. I have cried a million tears for u since u told me and it brings back the question to my mind...........why? Why does it happen to the good people. You, him, his family...wrong place, wrong time...we just never know when in the fraction of an instant any of our lives can change dramatically.

I'm here for you always and there with you in spirit for everything you're going to go thru, you're  my best friend and i will help you any way that i can, supporting you with an ear when u need one and even a shoulder to cry on,  virtually of course ;-). I just really want to give u a hug so u know ur not alone.

Anyone who reads this could u please say a prayer for the man in ICU and his family, that he will get better and also for my friend, Colin, so that he can be able to deal with what happened and not let it eat him up inside. Thanks and ty for reading this.. oh....and ty Karen, we both love you gf!!!! hugssssss

Mornin everyone....

A good friend of mine had me start this blog cause she figured i needed someplace to "release" at, and boy, was she right ;-), so thank you Karen, love ya gf!!

I live in North Carolina right now and have a gorgeous 19 yr old son that lives in Indiana with friends of the family. He is my life and I miss him so much I can't stand it at times, but he doesn't like it where it doesn't snow at... lol.

So.......

Let me start by gettin the bad stuff out of the way. I lived in Indianapolis with my best friend who was like a sister to me, she had contracted a form of MS ( Multiple Sclerosis) and was gettin ready to undergo treatment to see if they could curtail it some from advancing on her. She already had a tumor at the base of her neck in the shape of a butterfly and it was gettin bigger every day and hindering what she could do. In Nov of 2004 we went on vacation for the weekend and she got a whole lot drunk and high. She had me drive because i had stopped drinking  and drugging about 4 yrs prior to that and she also hated to drive anyway. The one exception was...i had a suspended license, but I drove anyway ( like an idiot).

Anyway.....we were on the way home and I fell asleep at the wheel about 4 miles south of the Indiana border coming out of Kentucky. I woke up when i was about 3 feet from a concrete embutment, all I had time to do was look over and make sure Sue was sleeping, which she was. I remember  the impact and thats all till I woke up 2 days later, in jail in Louisville...and found out that my best friend  had died in the wreck that  I caused. I wished it had been me.

I spent a year in prison, half that time was spent going to court to find out my sentence because I couldn't talk to the judge without totally falling apart because of what happened. He gave me 4 months after i finally was able to talk to him because he realized that it truly was an accident and i had so much remorse in me that it was tearing me apart. I would have done  and would still do anything to bring her back. It took me a long time to get over the guilt of blaming myself for what happened, but I learned to realize that everything happens for a reason and don't ever question God or why things turn out the way they do. He doesn't make bad things happen but He is with you when they do happen and He does teach you how to cope with them if you only have faith and believe. Thats what got me thru every day and still gets me thru the days now. I have a few good friends that help me cope with things also when they get to bad